To Be Alive Once Again...

To Be Alive Once Again...

It has been two long years since.
Two long years of pondering,
Two long years of reflection,
Two long years of looking at the mirror…

Maybe I have been an automaton,
Programmed to behave in a certain way,
Socialised since birth that emotions are signs of weaknesses,
Maybe being robotic makes things easier, predictable…

Deep down hiding behind masks,
I know these to be untrue.
But why then is expression so difficult?
Why do I seek security in being robotic?

Perhaps deviating from the norm is scary,
Perhaps the feeling of being ‘lost’ makes it unpalatable,
Perhaps I am still waiting for the right moment,
Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

‘Perhaps’ to some, is an ugly word,
A word signalling indecisiveness,
A word highlighting the inability to act.
Seize the day instead? Perhaps…

-----------------------------

Trudging through time and space,
Never expected for events to unfold as they have.
Certain facts have been proffered and established,
Does the situation change then? I hope yes and no.

Though it puts me in a conundrum,
You have comforted me.
The dichotomy settled,
And I feel like sleeping.

My thoughts have been tickled by you,
My heart, sputtering back to life and filling with emotions,
My senses heightened, feeding off your words and actions..
Alas! To be alive once again!

But, although I am alive, I am not hoping.
Contradictory sentence? No.
Worried that Hope brings Despair? No.
Why then?

Ultimately, you come first.
You will always come first regardless...